I guess I should tell you not to expect, or get upset with me for not being a regular blogger. Forgive me for not making this a priority, if that bothers you, and if it doesn't bother you, then... Thanks. There have been so many instances in the past weeks when I was busy, overwhelmed, upset, or otherwise insane, and was thinking, "Oh, how I would love to be typing about this insanity!" How therapeutic it is to vent. I've been blessed to have a powerful woman in my life that reads and listens to my venting rants on a regular basis. I also have a great friend who is much stronger than even she realizes, and a great balancing force in my life. She remains my friend even when I am not a very stable person, and I appreciate her more than she will ever know. They have been invaluable to me, and I hope that you have someone in your life that takes that type of behavior from you without thinking you are completely mad, listens and tells you the truth when you don't want to hear it, and prays for you.
I've been working through a lot of things. Hurting a lot. Weighing the importance of many things. Analyzing my life and what God wants me to do. It makes me so mad when I can't do what I want to do. Whether it's this fibro thing that's keeping me from it, or someone else and their version of the end result that's keeping me from what I think is supposed to happen... I get mad. You may feel this way even if you don't have an illness that puts a halt on what you think you are capable of. There are so many things, people, and issues that put the brakes on "our plans".
I want to encourage you today! Well, I hope it's encouraging. It is to me, when I stop myself, take a breath, and really take a look at what is happening in my life. We get so busy. Busy doing things that may or may not need to be done, but the busyness needs to stop sometimes and we need to take a look at the "big picture". I am trying my best to do that, and I encourage you to do the same. Stop, take a breath, and look at what is going on! If you can't stand to take a breath because you feel so overwhelmed, then it's very apparent to me that you need it really bad!
God, is a god of peace. There will be, of course, times that don't feel very peaceful. Even in those times, I assure you, you should feel God working at some level. That should give you peace. If you feel like you are spinning, like you can't breathe, as if you are grasping at your last hope, or like you are falling quickly to the bottom of a very deep lake... Know I am praying for you right now. It doesn't have to be that way. I hope that you have someone in your life that is willing to tell you that you need a time-out! If you don't, and you feel like I just described, consider this your wake-up call!
All of us need a good wake-up call now and then. Especially if you are a personality type like mine. I am a strong woman, and often times I get into the groove of thinking that I know what I'm doing, so you need to leave me alone. It aggravates me when others do this same thing, so I know that I probably aggravate others around me too. I want to be a wise woman. I want to be thoughtful and considerate. I want to be a God chaser. I want to be free of this illness. I want to be a great mom and wife. I want to be the woman God has called me to be. BUT, that doesn't mean that I have to do it all, that my ideas/plans are the end all be all, or that I should always get my way. There will be times, I understand, that will upset me because I see something bad about to happen, and people will not listen. There will be times, I understand, where I will be upset because I see something bad about to happen, but I'm wrong. Both of these scenarios are going to happen becasue I am human and everyone around me is human as well. These are things I cannot change, but I do have to accept. I pray that you find the groove God has carved out for you and that you are able to stay in it without having a meltdown. Pray that for me too, please!
This thing that has attached itself to me called Fibromyalgia, is maddening. I want it gone, but it refuses to leave. I have resigned myself to this understanding: God will get rid of it when and if He sees fit. I cannot possibly see the big picture, and in that big picture, He may be more glorified by Fibro hanging on me, than by me being relieved from it. You may not feel that way if you have this, but I hope you understand that this is how I have accepted this for this time in my life. God is my strength. If I really believe that, then I don't need to be strong. I will use His strength and all will be OK. That also means that I cannot expect to do it all. I cannot expect to be able to keep up with someone else who is not being burdened by this. I know that I have good days and bad days. There will be many who do not understand that, or who take my feeling poorly as a personal thing against them. The people who truly love you will begin to understand that some days you will be "on" and some days you will be "off". There are days that I am quiet, and a bit withdrawn. Real friends will usually understand. There are days that I have to constantly remind myself that "God is my strength... I don't have to be strong... He is strong for me, and I need to lean on Him." There are days that it hurts to be touched, even hugged, but I try to smile even though I want to cry. There are days that I feel like I have the flu and I don't want to get out of bed. There are days that I can't think straight, and I am aggravated because I cannot think about something like I normally do. There are good days too. I hold on to the hope that there will be more good days in my future. I hold on to the hope that the people I care about will understand and love me through the good and bad days.
So, maybe there is an excuse for me to be crazy from time to time. There are days that I get out of line, and there are days when I am in the groove. Ultimately, I just want to glorify God. I don't want to let others drag my spirit down, and I don't want to drag the spirit of others down either. That is REALLY what I want. I feel a major change is on the horizon and I pray that I can accept whatever God wants out of me. This is my prayer for me, you, and anyone else you know who is struggling for any reason (that's all of us from one time or another): God, help me to be the person you have called me to be. Help me to hear your voice, even when I am so caught up in the moment that I can barley breathe. Help me to heal, and if that isn't exactly what I have envisioned... help me to accept your version. I know you know best, because you see the whole picture. I'm such a small part of that picture, and I need your help to understand that it's not all about me and what I think or want.
I will take a breath today. I will smile in spite of the pain that I feel. I will not feel guilty when, "I just cannot do it." (And it doesn't matter how important "it" may seem) I will weigh the issues and give God a chance to change my mind. I will not be too proud to admit that I didn't listen or that I made a bad call. I will open my heart to God's plan that may include change or situations that I don't understand. I will remember that God is my strength. I will allow Him to hold me up when I don't feel like standing. I will try to be myself even when I don't feel like it, and when people still take that change in my person, as a personal attack... I will forgive them.
I could go on and on...