Friday, October 29, 2010

Only God could love a girl like me

Today is... a day

Ok, so today was really no different than any other day. In all honesty, I'm not gonna talk about a specific day. Consider this a rant, a praise report that I am still alive, a call for prayer (we always need it), or a call for a trip to the psych ward... Yes, that could be every other day in my life and this one too. I try to look at these days as a rather comedic bunch of crazy nonsense!  If you can't laugh about it, well... you are gonna cry, and I assure you I have done a fair share of both on a regular basis. In fact, that may have happened today!

So, my typical day is as follows: I wake up, I force myself to crawl out of bed, I pray for grace, I go into the kitchen and forget why I'm there, I go back to my room and lie down for a moment in the hopes that I will remember why I went into the kitchen in the first place, I pray for strength, I go to work, I forget what I'm doing, I try not to kill anyone, I pray for peace, I come home, I pray for more grace and some more strength... and a bit of sanity... and what the heck, throw in some peace as well, I come home... wait, I already said that, I attempt to make my house livable, I may or may not cook dinner, I lay on my heating pad, I pray some more, and I go to bed...ahh... THEN, after tossing and turning, I go to sleep, wake up, roll around in my bed, go back to sleep, wake up with my teeth clenched and my leg in a cramp, pray for whatever because I don't know what I need anyway, go back to sleep... Wait, it's time to get up!

This may look somewhat familiar to you, or maybe you are perfect and your have never had such troubles.  I have to ask, if it's the latter, why are you here reading this blog? This blog written specifically for insane people or for those who are on the verge of losing their minds. THIS BLOG is for imperfect people who are hurting for no reason, screaming on the inside, but have to keep their face looking happy and normal so as to keep the mental health organization off there back. Yes, this is no place for normal people because you will not have a clue as to what I am talking about.

What are you talking about?

For a long time, my husband didn't understand depression and the black abyss that's associated with that word. I had to educate him. I'm still in the process, and I assure you he is now earning his college degree which just took him 12 years of marriage. He doesn't get the why's and the how's, but he knows that it's real, and he tries to understand as best he can.

BUT, you don't have to understand why. You don't understand what makes someone tick or why they can't seem to explain to you what their pain feels like. The bible tells us to "bear one another's burdens." That would be found somewhere in Galatians, but I'm too lazy to break out my bible and check the address. I'm more concerned about what that phrase means. Jesus said that the most important command was to love God, and right after that? Why... He said it was to love other's like you love yourself, of course.

All we need is love. Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh...

Now, I'm gonna ramble on a bit, and for all of my five or six devotees I'm sure you will be riveted by my witty banter with myself... So, here goes. Just a little food for thought because I know your brain is hungry. What if you can't bear to love yourself at the moment, much less someone else? What if the people around you are so full of themselves that they can't see the forest for the trees and even though they know they are supposed to believe and practice these lines in the bible they see the black cloud that has settled over your person, but they ignore it... They think, "They'll get over it." or "They're in a mood again." or better yet, "They need to get a grip." What part of this is, "Loving other's like you love yourself"?  What part of this sounds like we are bearing one another's burdens?

I'm not saying that I'm perfect. My friends have been in a funk before and I did nothing. I have watched them in the beginning stages of self destruct mode, and I have turned and walked the other way. Why do we do that?  I was scared. I didn't know what to do. Me! The one who knows first hand how it feels to have that "thing" settle over her heart and zap the strength and will right out of my soul. Yes, I was too scared to do anything.

I know it's hard for people who have never felt this kind of pain to understand it. I know it's hard for people who have never felt their brain covered with a cloud of fog, been kept awake by leg cramps, cried or wanted to cry because their skin hurt for no reason, felt like taking some one's head off because the headache just wouldn't stop, or been bombarded by a variety of symptoms that made no sense at all to anyone including your doctor.  How can a person, "bear one another's burdens" if they don't understand the burden?

I have learned a few things in my mere 33 years here on this planet. (Who knows how long I was on all those other planets) One thing is, you don't have to know how to bear those burdens. You don't have to know HOW to love someone. You just have to do it. I get so tired of people trying to fix things, or help me with their words of encouragement. Sometimes we just need to be loved. Sometimes we just need to have a friend who wants to talk to you about nothing in particular... Because they love you.  I've spent a lot of time worrying over those verses. Wondering how I was supposed to bear some one's problem that I didn't even understand. Trying to think of the perfect words that would change their heart and mind forever, and set them on the path to healing and being closer to God. Yes, I just knew that was my job! That was what I am, as a Christian and leader, supposed to do. But I don't think that's what He wanted at all.

I just want you!

You know how I know someone loves me? Because they think I'm important enough to talk to for longer than five minutes, and about nothing in particular. Just spend time with me. (Wait... isn't that what God wants too? Ok, that's another blog) Time was and has never been my primary "love language". Have you read that book? It's very good! Well, my love language is acts of service. No, it's never been quality time, gifts, physical touch... Nope, Just a good ole' dish washing would show me that you cared! I've come to realize that any of those things I just mentioned can turn into an act of service. My love tank gets all kinds of filled from any of these things if they are done when I just need to know that you care about me. So, I'm inclined to believe that most people feel that way too.

Can we ever get this love thing down?

See, now I've written these words and someone out of the ordinary is going to try to sit and talk to me for an uncomfortable amount of time, because they read this. I will then attempt to hold in my laughter, as I will be the only on in on that joke. I know it's hard to love me sometimes. I know that because I live with me almost every day, and have for the last 33 or so years. I'm sure, if most of you are honest, you can say the same thing about yourself. Let's stop worrying about us, and just take some time to love someone else. Spend some time with them. Reach out and don't worry about the impact you want to make. Just know that your act of love will make an impact. You don't have to come up with some kind of theological words of wisdom... That's so NOT the point.  It all starts with realizing that we may not understand the hurts, faults or agony within our brother or sister, but that doesn't mean we can't sit and share a piece of the clock together. Maybe someday, we can get this whole love thing down, but in the mean time... we should at least practice.


  1. well dang HeatherE - I always thought you were pretty cool. I loved you then and love you now (of course that is easy to say since I haven't seen you face to face in years!). Do know about that depression pit - I've done the "if I just prayed more, better, longer, fastinger, with repentance ad infinitum" Christian woman guilt trip - I have a part of a scripture on my dry erase board which was an aha moment for me
    Psalm 56:9 b
    By this I would know that God is for me.
    DUH - never realized it - honest. Anyhow - I know I am impossible to live with at times but my dogs, goats and somehow my DH deals with it all. I am now on medication for depression and it really helps me.
    Wish I could wash your dishes (actually I'd rather vacuum - would that be OK?) but for now - consider yerself loved for the day - from afar but still for real - hoping comments on blog will become part of your love language.

  2. Hi Heather!

    I look forward to your posts! You say everything I wish I could. My day sounds so much like yours.

    My biggest problem anymore is the lack of energy to love like I should. I used to be the one who was always there helping others. I would greet my new neighbors with a homemade plate of cookies and my phone # so they could call me if they needed anything. I cleaned old ladies houses for them. I rallied my co-workers at Christmastime to provide gifts for our students who wouldn't get any from home.

    Now I can't imagine doing any of that. I have had a new neighbor for 6 months that I haven't even met yet. I don't clean my own house let alone someone else's. And I dread Christmas. I am exhausted just thinking about it.

    So I feel pretty worthless. It's hard for me to love me when I feel this way let alone love others. I still feel the love for them but I just don't have the energy to act on it.

    CFS/Fibro stinks.

  3. Well, dear girl, it sounds like you are the one in need of the love in this case. If I could sit and have a chat with you, I would... I hope that someone takes that opportunity, and in the mean time, you just worry about smiling at the grocery clerk, being nice to the person who delivers the package to your door and spend a few extra minutes talking to someone who you really would rather not talk to.

    I think "love" doesn't have to mean doing stuff for people. It just means treating them like they are worth your time. You are deffinatly worth the time, and I hope some one treats you like that before the day is through!

    I love you and am sending a big hug and a few extra minutes of my attention toward you!

  4. Dear Linda Sue! I just LOVE you! You don't have to vacuum anything. I'd just love to sit down and share a cup of coffee. You are such a wonderful woman, and I am blessed to know you.

  5. I look forward to reading your posts as well. It makes me feel closer to you my friend- I wish I wasn't 300 miles away. I consider you a 2 a.m. friend and I hope you feel the same. (my Pastor's definition of a friend you can call for anything- anytime.) (((hugs)))

  6. I think of you that way too Kristy! I love you a lot and am very thankful to have you in my life. Thanks so much for reading!