Thursday, June 16, 2011

When it feels like your soul is hurting

Before I begin, I want to tell you that nothing (medically, herbal, etc) has worked for me up to this point, and I have tried many things. Every type of herb, hormone, etc. has been in vain, but I do not want you to give up. These things may have helped in ways I didn't see, and there are plenty of people who benefit from something that someone else doesn't.  Perhaps one of these things have kept it from progressing further than it has. I must look for positive bits of light. Try them, experiment with different mixtures or brands. I refuse to stop trying. Until they find a cure, I will fight. Even thought people cannot see or feel what I am going through, I will fight. I will look over those that don't understand, or cannot even begin to empathise with me. I will forgive those people who have shifted themselves out of my life because they got offended at my lack of being who they thought I should be. I encourage you today to take it all one step at a time, and do not get discouraged when something doesn't work or isn't your miracle cure. Keep asking God for wisdom and guidance, and allow this "thorn in your flesh" to be a spur to growth and learning. It may take a lot longer than you like, and you may not feel like you've learned a darn thing, but I assure you that you have. Do not be discouraged today.  You are not alone.

A Deep Aching
What do you do when you feel like your soul is aching, like something unearthly, and deep inside you is almost to the point of death? Not like I'm dying, but like something that is deeply attached to me is. Sounds a little dramatic, I know. That's how I feel today, and words cannot really express what it feels like, so that's as close as I can get... Sorry.  I haven't written in two months, mostly because my family and I have been going through some changes, and I didn't know what to write about. I finished out my time at the Christian school, and then I resigned from my post as youth leader. There were many reasons why, and I'm not going to go into them, but I will say that I feel it was a God push. So, all in all, it was a positive thing. I feel relieved. As if I've been pushing hard against a stone wall that was not going to move and it was never in God's plan to move it. There is a story, a parable of some kind maybe, where that happened. The man was so frustrated because God didn't help him move the rock. All the time he spent pushing and pushing to move that rock, and all the while he expected God to move it as he pushed, but it never budged. He got angry with God and asked, "Why?" to which God replied, "I never asked you to move it. I only asked you to push. Now look at the muscles you have, and how strong you've grown."  We only think we know what God's plan is. He says do something and in our obedience we try to do... what we think He wanted us to do. Usually, the outcome is never what we thought it would or should be. If we aren't careful, we will begin to feel as though we've let God down, or haven't succeeded.

I've been hurting more and more, and I know that some of you have dealt with this happening in you. Some days it's bearable, and other days it feels like the very air you breathe hurts, the clothes you put on feel unbearable, the skin that God wrapped you in is rebelling against you... I don't mean to sound dramatic, but that's the only way I can describe it. This progression has made me feel like a failure, and I know that's not true. Even thought I KNOW it's a lie, it's still hard for me to combat.

Mortal Combat
It's hard for me to share what my body is doing because I have been given "advice" by so many well meaning people, and some of it is a little hard to swallow when I am "hurting". Bleh, the word "hurting" even irritates me when I say it or hear it. I hate to say it, "I'm hurting today." It just sounds pathetic and weak. Like a little kid trying to get out of doing a chore because they just don't want to do it, so they make up an excuse that seems reasonable in their head, but when it comes out, it just sounds whiny and pitiful. The word, hurting, doesn't begin to describe the way I feel, and I'm sure the way some of you feel when it hits you so hard. There is something emotional that begins to happen inside, like a knob that is slowly being turned to 11... It's only supposed to go to 10, by the way. (Did you get that This is Spinal Tap reference? Sorry, I couldn't help myself.)

It's hard to tell someone, "You just have to fight!" when you really don't know what they are fighting against. It's hard to accept those words too, when you don't think the deliverer is knowledgeable enough to make either the assumption that you haven't been fighting, or that you are capable of fighting at all. I've never been a big fan of cheerleaders. I guess my idea of them has been tainted by the young girls who shake pom-poms on the sidelines (occasionally), and who rattle off a memorized chant in the attempt to rally the troops to win. It seems like people turn into those cheerleaders. They recite scripture at you and hope that will turn on the fight in you. Imagine if it were that easy. Its too easy for me to imagine a little girl who is being abused at home and someone telling her that she just has to fight, or that she will get through this with God's strength. She can't combat that. She can't fight. She needs to be rescued from that situation! God needs to intervene and save her. BUT, I'm not a little girl in need of rescue. It doesn't matter what I feel like, I have to focus on the truth that's before me. I have to remind myself on a consistent basis of the truth and that it is really for ME. It's not just some text that has no bearing on my life. God inspired the words for me as much as He did for you.

It is combat, and no kid with pom-poms is going to be an effective cheerleader for team "me". No disrespect to the cheerleaders out there. I'm sure most of you are very effective at rallying the players, and encouraging everyone around you to hope for the best. However, I know that I need a spiritual set of pom-poms on my side. Sometimes it comes in the form of verses, sometimes in the form of a gentle hug. Just to know that I have a friend that understands there are times when I cannot muster up the strength to smile, much less be some image of me that they have worked up in their head. I need people that will ask me if I'm mad at them or if I'm I just having a hard day in a soft quiet voice instead of assuming that I am mad because I didn't speak. Maybe I spoke, but I didn't use the right tone. Maybe I looked the wrong way, acted distracted, didn't seem focused, couldn't form a decent sentence so I didn't speak... whatever. I'm not justifying being rude. That's never my intent. If you are my friend, in the true sense of the word, you will care enough about the relationship to simply ask me what's wrong or know what's wrong instead of coming to a conclusion that is completely the devil's plan. Before you know it, you are angry, so you talk about it to others. When you do that it grows, your anger is doubled... tripled... over a look, a lack of the correct response, something you feel. I'm guilty of it too, but having been in this place for so long I can see how completely silly it is. I refuse to play that game any longer. I will be the bigger person and not assume things of others, or at least I will try.

This is war. The most evil thing about this is that every person you know will have to decide what they think, what they know, and what they feel, and some of them will leave you. The ones that matter most will stay. The ones you know you can count on will be there when you need them, but if they can't be... you will understand and not take it personally.

The only think I can find to battle with today is to know in my knower that Jesus knows how we all feel. He feels the pain, both emotional and physical.
In John chapter 11:35 it says, "Jesus wept." He saw the pain that they were going through, and even though He knew that it was about to be over, he was still overwhelmed with compassion at their emotional distress. He could have dealt with this situation any number of ways, but He saw the bigger picture and did what was best. He could have come earlier, and death didn't have to happen, but He knew that this process they were about to go through was essential to the big picture. I think He also knew that he was bringing his friend back into a hurting and pain filled world. He could leave him in his "sleep" or Jesus could bring Him back to this world of pain and struggle. I take comfort that God is in control. That He, the creator of everything that is and was and will be, still is concerned enough and filled with enough love for me that He will weep at the sign of our pain. This is how I find strength to continue to battle, because I know that I am not alone. My King and Saviour is standing beside me and will continue to stand there. I am not alone. No matter how much I hurt, or how bad I feel, He will be there.

That is the cheer leading that I need to hear. You are not alone. You are cared about and loved so much. No matter how overwhelmed or lonely you feel, and no matter how much the world tap dances on your heart, He stands firm beside you and will even catch you, carry you, dance with you, and let you sit in His lap and cry with your head against His chest. You don't have to be strong, because He is. You don't have to be perfect, because He is. You don't have to be something your are not, and when people call you names or say ugly things about you, just know that He hears it and will be what you need Him to be when you need Him to be it.

Be encouraged today. Your God is in control even when you feel like the world is spiraling out of control around you. He walked on the rough waters like they were a smooth floor, so he can certainly stand in your storm. This is what I tell myself when my soul feels like it's hurting. These are the things I remind myself of when I am in too much pain to think clearly. Sometimes I don't believe them, even though I know they are true. I have them tattood on my heart in an ink that won't fade. That way, these memorized truths will continually stare me in the face until I listen.


  1. sweet girl - I pray for strength for you and the family - and by the way - tell Lizzie goats are very nice and wonderful companions - silly Heather to think being around them would take her mind off the wanting - I love my goats! Oh yes and love you too!

  2. I'm so grateful I found this. It's like you understand how I feel.
    Thank you for sharing.

  3. Vickie, I'm glad you found this too. I hope that you continue to get something from it.

  4. How...did I miss this post? I love your blog. You are my beautiful friend and I love you. Thank you for sharing.