What if God doesn't heal me? And other paranoid thoughts.

Today, Tomorrow, or Tuesday?

There are days that I am convinced that God is going to heal me. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but some day. I know that God, the creator of the entire Universe can and does heal people every day! I know this! I believe this! I do not doubt the capable hands of God, the one who knit me together in my mother's womb could certainly cure what ails me. If Jesus could heal the rotting skin of a leper, make the blind man's eyes see clearly, heal an unclean woman with the issue of blood just because she touched the hem of His garment, and raise a three day old dead man from the grave, he could heal whatever it is that makes my skin ache, my brain fog up, my immune system not very strong, and my joints hurt for no reason. He could make a lame man do the Cha-Cha if it would glorify Him.  Ahh... That's something to think about... If it would glorify Him.

What if leaving me in my present state for the moment would bring Him more glory? Now, I'm not talking about anyone else in this world. This is my personal revelation for my personal self. I'm not sure that sentence was proper English, but oh-the-well. What if? WHAT IF... I need to learn something, slow down and smell the roses, teach someone else something I have learned, just listen to Him more carefully, or all of the above? He could choose to heal me tomorrow, two years from now or right this second, but what if that would just make my life easier and bring Him no glory at all?  What if I would never become the woman He has called me to be if I didn't carry this sickness for a prescribed time? Should I beg for healing if in this process He is intent upon teaching me something that being healed could NEVER allow me to be taught?

Things I think about

I like to read in 2 Corinthians 12:7-9. Paul says, "I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he did in fact was push me to my knees... At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then He told me, "My grace is sufficient; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness."

I'm not comparing myself to Paul, so please don't anyone get their knickers in a twist. I do however find myself thinking that I'm in pretty good company. If Paul of all people wasn't healed, then God must have had a pretty dang good reason for allowing it to continue. So, it stands to reason that God must have a pretty good reason why He hasn't yet healed me... Maybe?

Oh, woe is me...

After I get over my regular pity parties... I try to find any light I can possibly find. Sometimes I start thanking God for everything from indoor plumbing to a roof that doesn't leak! (It works!) It occurred to me that during this time in my life, while I learn to deal with this "syndrome", God wants to teach me some very valuable tid-bits. He may even intend for me to relay a few of those fancy findings to you. I could be wrong, and it wouldn't be the first time that's happened. You can ask my husband, children, mother, friends, pastor, etc., and they will all let you know how very often I am wrong.  However, I don't think I'm wrong about this. I'm sure, if I didn't have this I'd have something else to deal with or struggle through. Don't you all have something you struggle with? Well, there are a few other things I deal with as well, but that's another blog. I'm pretty convinced that this thing is not nearly as bad as some of the other things the world could have thrown my way. I don't think that God "put this on me", but I do think that whatever the trial, He will allow you to learn from it. Perhaps you could say that He's allowing me to keep it, because... well, I don't know why. You will just have to ask God that question.

NO, I don't think that's against God's purpose and plan. I have to trust Him and stop questioning my faith and my relationship with Him. I do have enough faith. I have enough faith to walk through this with Him at my side and not question the fact that I am not healed. I know He's there, right there with me every step of the way, and He will not leave me. The fact that I have this malady does not define my level of faith! It doesn't dictate to anyone how close I am to God. I know it's easy to do (I've done it too) when we get an idea in our head and heart as to what a "christian" (or whatever)  is supposed to look like.

Yes, I may whine a bit here and there! I feel like I've been hit by a truck on a regular basis! If you love me, you will look over those moments and move on, just like I look over those "moments" in the lives of those I love... Yes, you know who I'm talking about, and you know what "moments" I speak of. I try not to have them on a regular basis. Seriously... Remember when we talked about love? This would be a perfect time to practice it... on me...

I leave you with this

I hope you are healed today. I really do. I know how stupid it is to feel this way and not have a good reason. I grasp at straws on a regular basis for a reason as to why. I still pray for healing on the days that I don't feel like getting out of bed, and I just want to cry. I'm not the "man" Paul was, and cannot keep my request of healing to a three time limit. I still hope for things unseen, and I ask for them on a regular basis. God is just gracious enough to give me only what is good for me, and what will glorify Him.

2 Corinthians 12:10
Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size- abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.